Am I Not?

Am I not enough for you?
As someone worthy who loves you, certainly,
But enough for you in this place?
In this space, in the way that I am….
Am I not?

Am I not what I need to be?
To be a friend and be a soul, kindred-ly,
Without fear of destroying you?
Destroying us and our family…
Am I not?

Am I not what I was supposed to be?
To be one forever and work, steadfastly,
Always alluring to you with service and grace?
In this home, in this union
Am I not?

Am I not enough for you?
Not for your hopes and desires, fervently,
for who they would be?
Like the one you witnessed, kissed…
Am I not?

Am I not independent?
That I should ask all of these questions, beseechingly,
Wondering, asking what I did wrong and how to make right?
Like your answer would heal me…
It would not.

 

Notes:

God, me, them, him, her, we feel these burning questions – each of us in relation to different others – all at the same time. Why can’t we have our way? Why can’t they have theirs? Is the simultaneous existence of the two unavailable to us? I ask these questions of the ones I love, but I recognize others who could ask at least one of them of me… and I do not know the answers. I do not know that the answers would heal, even if I did know them. I can only hope to continue seeking peace and love in solidarity with these loved ones, even as we are hurting – sometimes as we hurt one another. Thank God for
forgiveness.

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